I hung up the phone with an ache in the pit of my stomach. You know, the kind you get when you have received really bad news…or a bad diagnosis… or when someone who was supposed to love you forever…doesn’t….that kind of ache. I had just had a conference call with Pastor Duronel Casseus, with whom I had expressed an interest in helping in Haiti in some way. It was suggested I start a non-profit organization in order to accomplish the vision we had for an area of central Haiti called Carissade.
I have to admit, when I hung up the phone, feeling that ache, I started crying. It was mid-afternoon and I cried all the rest of the afternoon, the evening and the night. In between crying, I was praying. I now felt this HUGE responsibility for a community in Carissade, Haiti. It was no longer me helping a friend with his ministry. It was now feeling the responsibility for an entire church and community. Immediately, I felt this overwhelming feeling of failure, that I would not be successful. This community and Church were depending on me to follow through, not to mention Pastor Casseus. I truthfully cried all evening and night, sometimes saying to God “Why am I crying? I don’t even know why I am crying!” I felt totally inept and out of my comfort zone. The other part of this was my age. I had been thinking about what retirement would look like, but usually after 2 days of no work, I get pretty bored….and so I cried….some more.
By morning, it was settled. I realized this had been a spiritual battle. What had I been asking of God the past 6 months? For a purpose. What had been my routine daily Bible readings over the past 3 months? All about helping the poor and needy. Helping the orphans and widows in their distress. Helping when it is in my power to do so. I said to God, “O’kay, I’ll do it, but YOU have to bring people into my life who know what they’re doing, because I don’t know what I’m doing.”
As far as my age is concerned? If I do nothing, in 10 more years, I will be 10 years older and will have done nothing.
Retirement???
Guess I won’t be bored for awhile.
